my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
