Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There are leaves in my underwear?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
