I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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