"it" just moved
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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