My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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