How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
