I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
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