Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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