i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
