when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
