Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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