Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
