I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
