why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
someone owes me an orgasm
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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