omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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