My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
