Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
