smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
