end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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