When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
