Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
