no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
