why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
one might say we're banned from that church
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
