tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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