if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
