forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
