We're facebook friends in real life
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
