New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
