Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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