I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
