I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
