went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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