I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
