I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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