I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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