She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
