I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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