Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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