Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
