I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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