My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
