my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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