I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
