Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
