I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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