Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
