I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
MIDGETS
????
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
