The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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