And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
