So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
