My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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